And I Thought Plan 9 From Outer Space was a Bad Movie

 

 Aronofsky's Noah Is Bad Religion, Bad Politics, and Bad Writing

After avoiding watching this 160 million dollar turkey for 7 years, out of curiosity, I finally watched it. It is very very very loosely based on the Biblical story of Noah. Did I say VERY loosely enough times? Probably not. Man! In this unwieldy beast of a picture, After Adam and Eve sin, God doesn't talk to anyone for a couple of thousand years, having himself a right royal sulk over the whole pulsating magical fruit eating thing. Also noteworthy, evidently in Eden, Adam and Eve, looked thin, sexless and glowing, kind of like the aliens in Cocoon with their fake skins off. Mankind has messed up (or I probably should say "personkind" given the whole thing leaned to the left like the flipping Tower of Pisa). In this showy epic, it seems that Cain's extended family, with the help of fallen angels that God has turned into rock monsters, build an industrial civilization that has cut down all the trees, filled all the ponds and creeks with toxic waste and spilled lots of oil on the ground - that and, of course, the bad guys are all bullies and Noah is a misogynist of sorts. 

Noah comes off as a cross between a really angry, very focused Terminator and Alexandria Ocasio Cortez. This is a shameless save-the-planet propaganda film that could have been written to support a propaganda campaign for the Green New Deal. It hits all the latest causes - killing the planet, depopulation, fallen angels ain't so bad, magical families, bullies, sex, war, male misogyny and implied incest. I was surprised that Noah wasn't black and Ham, at least, wasn't gay. Of course, Aronofsky did get some flack from the "woke" folk for those oversights.

The writers turned the Bible account on its ear. The fallen angels were "just trying to help" according to the narrator and God got mad at them, but they all got forgiven and went back to heaven when they started mass murdering people trying to get on the ark when the rain fell. The ark had a stowaway and there was a fight scene and someone was killed. In the battle outside the ark, it seemed that the faster the rock monster fallen angels squashed the maniacal human army, the sooner they were forgiven, freed of their rock casing and sucked back up into heaven.

Methuselah (Anthony Hopkins) came off as a crazy magical wizard with an obsession for berries who defended the rock angels from attacks by the Cain family while dispensing cryptic advice. There was even a magical talisman the family passed around that was the skin of the serpent that someone retrieved from Eden. This snakeskin gave Noah's family and anyone who stole the skin, magical powers. Noah came off as one of those environmental extremists that think we should kill all humans to preserve the planet in some kind of pristine state because people were messing the place up. Noah thinks that God, in this version of the story, is perfectly okay with wiping out the human race. 

To do God's will, Noah plans for his family not to reproduce, but to die out after the flood and leave the place to the bunny rabbits and birds. To that end, he leaves Ham's girlfriend behind in the woods to be trampled to death by a mob (leaving Ham single and unable to reproduce). Emma Thompson is safely barren till meddling Methuselah works his healing spell on her unbeknownst to Noah. When Thompson miraculously bears twin girls during the voyage, Noah nearly kills both of the babies and afterwards moans that he had thus failed to carry out God's plan to utterly destroy the human race while preserving the aforementioned fuzzy bunnies, along with an assortment of snakes and elephants. If that ain't a UN Depopulation Initiative wet dream, I don't know what is. 

Paramount seemed shocked that the film lost money in the states and was banned in a lot of non-communist countries where Muslims, Jews and Christians lived. Paramount tried to recut the film two different ways from Aronofsky's original and tested all 3 with religious audiences (without telling Aronofsky). They couldn't get Christians to like any version of this thing. When Aronofsky found out about the test, he got mad at the studio for even thinking about messing around with his "vision".

I, quite frankly, am a Christian. I sat through it for educational purposes, mostly to write this review, and to give the film a chance to get at least one or two things right. It never did. It felt like sitting through Leni Riefenstahl's 1935 Hitler propaganda documentary, "Triumph of the Will" (which I did sit through in college strictly for educational purposes).

The film attempted to win what should have been its primary audience. This film came 10 years after the stunning box office income from Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ". Christians should have lapped up a film about one of the more special-effects worthy stories in the Bible. As it was, the movie had to make up the earnings shortfall outside the States in countries where nobody reads the Bible apparently.

I'm giving this one the full three raspberries because I'm offended for Moses, who was the original author of the Noah story. Aronofsky had no respect for his source material and treated a work of literature like it was Sharknado, sailing through trying to hit all the right politically correct issues. Somehow the harder they try to make the perfect progressive remake of a good old story the worse it turns out.  I'm usually pretty forgiving for movies. It's hard to make a movie and particularly to adapt a story. Somehow Aronofsky must have thought, "Well, the author is dead and nobody reads the book anymore, so I can do anything I want with it. I know! How about rock monsters and an insane cult leader who wants everyone on the planet......TO DIE!!!!!

Nope!

© 2021 by Tom King

 

 

The Hunt for Gollum - Fan Film Takes It to the Next Level

 

Video by Independent Online Cinema on

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I stumbled on this film today while browsing for something to watch that I hadn't seen or didn't want to see. What I found was a done not-for-profit Lord of the Rings fan film "The Hunt for Gollum". The film is very well done; proof that your too can make a movie.

The all volunteer crew and cast spent two years lovingly hand-crafting this tribute to the Lord of the Rings series and an homage to the Peter Jackson films.  The film managed to stay within a doable budget with clever shot angles, brilliant film editing and a talented cast of amateur actors. The film doesn't try to do too much, one of the traps so many fan films fall into. The action covers a single story arc from within the LOTR universe. It chooses its subject well so that it is the story that takes center stage and not the special effects, of which there are few. It's very clever the way they did it.

I have to hand it to the actors who portrayed Strider and Gandalf. They made them believable. Strider's fight scenes with the orcs were very well done. Somebody certainly knew how to choreograph fight scenes! The guys doing the orcs were no slouches either. The big fight scene was worthy of a multi-million dollar special effects blockbuster, albeit as an episode within the film. .

Apparently, gifted amateurs can make a very good film on a very low budget.  All you need is a smart director , talented film editor and enthusiastic volunteer actors with some degree of ability. The love and respect for the material these people had is evident throughout the film. And this was no rogue operation. They had permission of the Tolkien family to make it. And they didn't steal anything from Peter Jackson. Everything is original right down to the music. The 40 minute film is based on appendices and supplemental story material from The Silmarillion and other Tolkien materials.

And surprisingly, given some of the truly cringe-worthy fan films that have come out of late, this fits nicely as a supplemental chapter to the Peter Jackson films. I'm going to grab this one and add it to my digital collection. I don't think the makers will mind. And if you're a LOTR fan, I highly recommend you see this one to complete your viewing of all things Middle Earth.

Great job guys. My hat is off to you. A decade or so ago, George Lucas predicted that in not many years ordinary people would be able to make high quality films with over-the-counter computer and video equipment. The only limitation they would have, Lucas said, was intelligence and artistic sense. Given how well this film came out, not every good filmmaker is working out of Hollywood. Had they chosen to make this a for-profit film, with a little marketing, it might have made a little money. As it is, it's an act of love by fans of JRR Tolkien and Middle-Earth.

Made in 2009, I can't think how I missed "The Hunt for Gollum" for this long. Three pineapples!

© 2020 by Tom King

 

Chuck: A Nerd's Delight

Chuck (currently on Amazon and stored on my hard drive), was a dead lock to be a hit with someone like me. And it was.

The show is about a nerdy electronics store computer troubleshooter. who gets a massive CIA database called The Intersect downloaded into his brain. The Intersect flashes into his conscious when he needs information or some kind of skill. It's basically the kind of hero fantasy every kid who has been bullied, pushed around and isolated by the cool kids dreams about.

Zachary Levi, the titular hero, is terrific. He's got all the insecurities the rest of us nerds have, and yet he rises to the occasion when challenged. His breath-takingly beautiful girlfriend/CIA handler Sara Walker (Yvonne Strahovski) leads Chuck through outrageous adventures and an on again, off again romance. Adam Baldwin plays John Case, NSA agent tough guy with his usual snarly swagger. The rest of the crew of the Buy-More electronics store, which provides the cover for a CIA base underneath, are a rag tag gang of geeks, nerds and odd-balls. 

Chuck is funny, sweet and often marvelously violent with Chuck exercising his Intersect-provided skills as a kung-fu master, swordsman, tranq pistol marksman and gymnast when he needs to get through laser security systems to save the day. It's a great story with some great guest stars like Timothy Dalton, Linda Hamilton, Scott Bakula, Brandon Routh and Chevy Chase. Joshua Gomez is fun as Chuck's best friend, Morgan.

Great show for binge watching. Wish they'd had several more seasons before CBS canceled them. They had a very devoted fan base. I've got all five seasons and it was well worth it. Right now Chuck the series on Amazon Prime Video and shows up in other streaming services as well. The best way I can describe Chuck is "James Bond" meets "Big Bang Theory" with a dash of "Spies Like Us".

One of my favorite TV shows. Up there with Firefly, it gets 3 pineapples.

© 2020 by Tom King

 

 

 

 

Is " Solo" Maligned by Star Wars Fans Unfairly

I just rewatched "Solo". Star Wars fans set up a howl about that movie. I heard it from the usual prissy Star Wars Fans, It didn't have Harrison Ford in it, but he couldn't have played a young Han Solo anyway. Why is it that movie fans think they should criticize another person's story?

I enjoyed the movie. It was well done. No nudity or strings of f-words. It filled in Solo's backstory and the plot was as intricate as any sci-fi fan could want.I think Ron Howard did a fine job. The folks doing Star Wars these days are taking off in their own directions somewhat, but hey. George wasn't doing anything with it anymore so the story fell to another generation of filmmakers to tell.  Besides, who wants to know how the story ends even before it starts. Sure the feminist and social justice stuff gets sneaked into it - though not as much as with some of the other ones.

What's funny about it all is that so many of these filmmakers are foursquare liberal big government socialists and yet, when they do a film, it's always the big government that is the villain. You'd think they'd notice that, huh?

Only two pineapples though for forgetting to put in something that explains Harrison Ford's chin scar like they did in the Indiana Jones series. Derivative? Maybe. But it would have been fun and I'd always bet on fun!

© 2019 by Tom King

Hold that Ghost - Abbott & Costello

At Halloween each year we cycle through our favorite Halloween Movies. No slasher films included!  I intensely dislike slasher films. I prefer comedy films.  The Halloween films we watch are older films, back when it wasn't necessary to say the f-word every other sentence and comedy was a bit gentler.  Tonight's movie was an Abbott & Costello classic, "Hold That Ghost".

The film is basically a thinly plotted series of Abbot & Costello bits interspersed with Ted Lewis and the Andrews Sisters numbers and some action designed to advance the unlikely plot. The duo inherit a hotel from a gangster named Moose Matson who left the crypt hint that he "kept his money in his head".  The boys and an assortment of travelers including comedian Joan Davis, who does a great job of keeping up with Lou through several delightful sketches.

The two do a chaotic dance number, faint when each thinks the other is dead, and try to keep track of mysterious candles that move around by themselves.

Oh, there's gangsters, hidden treasure, romance and a lively corpse that shows up several times to make Lou faint in a funny fashion.  Several people get slapped, and Lou does his terrified attempts to call his friend Chuck, but can't get anything out except and excited bout of wheezing. It's all brought to a happy ending. The boys open a health resort in Matson's old hotel and the Andrews Sisters are back to sing a Brazilian tune called "Aurora".

It's a fun romp with just enough spookiness to make it fun for Halloween without scaring the wee bairns (or their aged grandparents).

This one gets a full plate of pineapples.

© 2019 by Tom King

"Anne of Green Gables" vs. "Anne with an E"

I'm binge-watching the PBS Wonderworks/Disney mini-series version of Anne of Green Gables. Megan Follows, Colleen Dewhurst, and Richard Farnsworth were brilliant and the series was faithful to the book. It is the definitive version and truly perfect. There was never a need to remake the Lucy Maud Montgomery, who was by the way a pastor's wife. That matters in the telling of this story. 

For me, binging the original was a kind of way to flush the last few episodes of  "Anne with an E" out of my head. Once again, Big Hollywood has found a way to gay-up a lovely book with a Christian theme. I was so disappointed in "Anne with an E" from Netflix. they eliminated the pastor and his wife, they added gay characters and made Anne a budding militant feminist with a shrill temper. I don't think I can bear to see Mrs. Montgomery's work butchered by a lot of social engineering feminazis. 

 

While Lucy Montgomery was something of a progressive for her time, I'm pretty sure her progressivism was tucked safely in amongst her Christian values and principles. In some ways the Netflix Anne is rather closer to the Anne of the books, which actually gave me hope for the story. Unfortunately, the story very quickly veered off course into one of those social justice indoctrination pieces. It was sad because the director started off well.

Fortunately, PBS was respectful and the three editions of the story they produced were beautiful. My kids used to pile up for a weekend and we'd all binge watch the series on VHS. It was one of those rare films in which the parents and the kids all cry and laugh at the same places. 

 

Micah and Meg used to binge watch it by themselves sometimes. A couple of times Meg would pile up with her old man and watch it. She used to pick on me when I'd tear up over stuff. I couldn't help it though. It's so seldom that in a movie you see actual kindness and decency portrayed so well. When Matthew tells Marilla they should keep Anne even though she might not be of use to them, but because they "might do some good for her," my mushy old heart takes a joyful little leap. Of such moments, I believe, are our steps toward heaven made up.

My VHS tapes are growing fuzzy from being many times played and from being 25 years old. I'm going to look for the DVD versions and add them to my odd collection of films. Meanwhile, Anne and Gilbert (Jonathan Crombie) have walked off across the field together having settled their old feud. I never get tired of watching two people find each other in forgiveness. The tape is done rewinding now and I need to cue up the sequel and get a fresh hankie. This one's kinda soggy.

Thank you PBS and Wondework for such a beautiful and uplifting set of movies. And thank you, Megan, Colleen, Richard, and Jonathan for creating such wonderful characters.

© 2018 by Tom King

The Frisco Kid

I don't buy a lot of movies anymore, but this one I had to add to my collection. The critics didn't much like it. They complained that the humor was too "ethnic". It was Jewish humor which treated Jewish culture kindly so, of course, Hollywood's leftists wouldn't like it. There wasn't much cursing in it. There weren't any major gay characters and it treated religion with respect.

If you've never seen it, it's my favorite Gene Wilder film and a gem of a Harrison Ford performance that makes him one of my favorite actors. The movie is gently funny. There's nothing harsh about it. Wilder plays a young Jewish rabbi from Poland crossing pre-Civil War America to get to his new synagogue in San Francisco. A trusting soul, he falls in with thieves who take his money and abandon him along the road. He runs into a string of kindly characters, Amish farmers, wild Indians, railroad workers of various nationalities, a nice horsie, some overly friendly raccoons and a prairie chicken who is quite reluctant to stay for dinner. He teaches Native Americans how Jews dance and disrupts the silence of a Catholic monastery. When he finally meets a kindly bank robber (Ford) who helps him find his way to San Francisco. Along the way he inadvertently robs a bank. At the next town he sends the money back to the bank to Ford's immense frustration.

Wilder's tenacity is irresistible.   The movie has a happy and very satisfying ending. Wilder's simple goodness will make you tear up in places and plays a perfect counterpoint to Ford's impatient, if confused cowboy. It's one of those movies you're glad you spent some time with. It's not on any of the major streaming services, but you can rent it on Youtube and Amazon.

If you're like me, you need a gentle couple of hours with some likeable people once in a while. This movie gives you that. I give this movie my highest rating - three pineapples.

Tom King

© 2018